He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
