I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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