I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
