Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
