my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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