stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
