im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
