Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
