My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
