oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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