Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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