I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
