when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
