in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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