Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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