PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
