Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
