And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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