It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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