I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
