Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
