I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize