Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
