his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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