I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
