who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
