I met the friendliest cop last night
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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