Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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