there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
