You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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