I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
