Will you blow on my dice?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
