If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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