Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
