glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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