The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
