angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
