If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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