just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
