I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
