Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
