I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
