hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
