Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
