too bad you live with your parents still
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
