i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
