When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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