cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
