I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
