Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
